This isn't the type of blog I intend to have, but it's part of my journey, so I'm posting it anyways.
This week, I'm batting 1000 when it comes to things getting screwed up.
Between Sunday evening and Thursday, plans I had were cancelled or blown off 6
different times. SIX! By 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! Two of them I can completely
understand and am not even upset about in the slightest. The others... I don't
know whether to be pissed off or simply feel hurt.
Sunday: work, homework, social time. Nope, friend cancelled due to
unforeseen (but acceptable) reasons.
Monday: homework, class, homework, class, social time. Nope, blown off (as in,
no response at all) by - not just 1 -- 2 different people; go sit at home
Tuesday: homework, social time, class, online quiz, social time. Nope, blown
off AGAIN, and then cancelled on; repeat last night.
Wednesday: homework, class, social time. Nope, cancelled (reasonable this
Thursday: homework, 5-year anniversary. Nope, world crumbled around you, cancel
everything and stay home.
Anyone else see the pattern here? 5 solid days of zero socialization, plus heartbreak and self-doubt (maybe they're cancelling because I suck at being a friend) and studying myself to the core. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE ASL and I will be an amazing interpreter (See what I did there? Yay for positive self-talk and self-confidence!) because I can't imagine my life without such a deep connection to Deaf culture. This hard work and stress is entirely worth it because the outcome will be magnificent! But, without a little socializing, I'll drive myself crazy or worse...
Somewhere in all of this, 2 FUBAR friendships (due to my personality scaring
people) and a relationship in complete shambles. Plus, friends I fear I will
lose because of the broken relationships. It’s having a ripple effect.
I know my personality is very strange. I’m a ball of quirks just unraveling
the more you get to know me. I've changed a lot (physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally) in the last 4 years. Example: To the point where someone I knew when I was 16 recently said, "She
wasn't like that when I knew her" when he caught me laughing and being
obnoxious with one of my best friends. He meant that in a good way (I
asked, because I'm still insecure like that) because he thought I was a
boring person. People who I am close with know that is not the case.
People who I'm not close with don't quite see it that way. There aren't many people that really KNOW me.
I don’t even know how to approach it anymore. Do I adopt a “take me or leave
me” approach, or do I adapt to my surroundings and tweak myself to better fit
those people I want to have in my life? Maybe it’s too late to have those
people in my life, and maybe I don’t need them there anyways. But, if I
want them there, isn’t it worth a little sacrifice? Last time, though, those sacrifices led
to hiding myself and behaving a certain way because someone in particular
preferred it, and that led to people not knowing who I really am. (See
the above comment from an old friend; that was how I was when he “knew me”
because that was how other people preferred me to be)
Or maybe (and I think this might be the most likely) I don’t know the real
me, because it’s a work-in-progress… So, do I ask the people I already know and
care about to join me on the adventure; or do I just go alone and wait to see
who comes along, or who follows? Would you join me, or would you wait and see
if you could jump on board when things are a little more predictable? Because
if you know me at all, you know that I’m a little bit of a wild card sometimes…